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In 2011 apparently I started blogging, and posted a whole 6 posts. Recently, I have been writing notes in my phone and have thought, “maybe I should blog again”. So I will start with a finished note:

The hardest goodbye means that you have the most cherished memories. It means you’ve lived life with someone that you loved and who loved you back. These hard goodbyes often come with deep loss and deep pain. I write from deep loss and deep pain because I carry cherished memories. It has been many years and still my loss stings. I haven’t spent these years in deep grief, but the hurt still stings at times. But from that hurt, I connect with people on a level that some don’t know. When a parent losses a child, they have insight to comfort other parents who also travel through the hurt of losing a child. This is not my loss, mine is that of a widow. In 2005, my husband, consumed by cancer, lost a battle that is all too often lost. Since my husband died, I have sadly been called on multiple times to walk someone else into this journey of widowhood. Recently, my oldest friend’s husband won his victory in death from his cancer battle. Her foresight to prepare herself for that moment was wise. I was not prepared and felt so much like a dear in the headlights. My husband had cancer, but we were so much on the “good prognosis; he’s gonna beat this thing” road; so, when he didn’t beat it, I was leveled. My friend was wise to come to grips that death was a possibility and she asked me questions. She also knew that when the day came, I would be there to walk her into this horrible journey no one should walk. I didn’t have that. I did (and still) have so much support. I have a mom that held me in the night when all I could do was cry. I had friends that sat with me while I couldn’t crawl out of bed. Ironically, it was this same friend that stayed with me and held my hand. I’m pretty sure when she came to hold my hand, I hadn’t even showered for a few days. That’s friendship. That’s how I know that I won’t twinge a bit if she happens to have a little body odor. She needed a friend that didn’t say trite things to make her feel “better”. She won’t feel better for a while. Nothing anyone, no matter how well constructed and politely said, will make her feel better. He brain will hear the words and know they’re sound and coke from a good intent (most of them). However, her heart is torn in pieces and will need time for some of those pieces to be mended back together (it will never all be back together). She will need, and probable offend people with what she actually needs and not what people think she should need. For some people this is a shorter time and for some it is longer. One should never impose their own expectations on another for the time it takes to grieve. My own guidelines in this are, “as long as they are not harming themself or others with their grief, then I will give them the time they need”. For instance, not showering for days after a while was actually harming to me, and someone stepped in and guided me to start taking care of myself a bit better. But, in reality, 2-3 days is ok. She will most likely move on and love again. She is young and I knew her husband well enough to know he would want her to love again. As a woman who has found love again, it is a new different love. People often ask me what it’s like. I tell them, I never stopped loving Jamie, my first husband, but my heart made from for Ken (my new husband). Most people have a “divorce” kind of view. I didn’t divorce Jamie, he died. So I never hated him, never had to work out that kind of pain.In a since, I almost envy the people who don’t like the person they were previously married to. (But, I “rabbit hole”). It is easy to love a new person. Especially one who’s heart is big enough to know that I will always love Jamie. I don’t compare them. I never say or think, “Jamie was better at this or that.” It’s hard to explain it unless you experience and I don’t really want anyone to have to experience it. But, hopefully when the day comes for my friend to be loved again, I pray that I will be there to support her through that journey as well. ‘Cause there will be those who say the wrong things or cast shades of disappointment on her for choosing to love again. I pray her kids accept that their mom can be loved again. I pray that her parents and former in-laws, accept that she can truly love and be loved again without forgetting her late husband’s memory. No one can have too much support on the journey of life.